Never say never

 Now I don’t know if I talked about this, but I got my own answer to my question of “what will it take to stop me”. 

“Myself.”

I think, as much and long as I have prayed for signs, I’m either deaf/ dumb or it’s just not arriving. I have failed in my multiple attempts and yet, I am still stubbornly persistent. I really wonder if I’m being stupid, or determined. But anyway, I realized that I was possibly the only one who would be able to stop myself. Because that’s just who I am, I suppose. I used to often tie my decisions to signs to how things “work out”. Like the most recent would be how I prayed that I shouldn’t give up, please let me get hired on this open basis by Dr Sharon and let AAMC give me another lifetime attempt. Honestly, perhaps it was a bad “prayer” because the bar was maybe set low? Like it’s not difficult for me to be “re-hired” by someone I worked pro bono for. Unless of course she has funding issues. Which she does to a certain extent hence the 12 months open basis instead of a contract including full time benefits. So that’s that. Also wondering if AAMC would say no to anyone who is willing to pay for more attempts. But they did change the rules in 2015, so there must have been a good reason for a lifetime limit! But they bend the rules, for me. I’m not the only one I suppose, but definitely one out of a handful. After all, someone commented on a question of this lifetime limit on the Reddit thread. The responder said, that 7 times is enough to cause apoptosis of your neurons and something along the lines. I literally laughed out loud. 

520, miss you