To fight tirelessly for something

 First attempt for mcat was in Sept 2015... then Sept 2016, followed by Jan 2017, Aug(? Which I missed but was unable to cancel in time) 2017, Jan 2018, Jan 2020 and finally, 13 Aug 2021. 

To be perfectly honest here, the only three times I really attempted to study hard was the 2015 but thwarted by the mental anguish caused by M’s cheating habits... then Jan 2020 where I spent three months studying everyday after work for hours. Unfortunately, three months of three hour nights did not suffice, to say. So I left my job less than two months before a prebooked April exam this year. This time, it was brain fog that killed me. Struggling to grapple some vague level of alertness while on high dose of anticonvulsants, I went from someone who only drinks a frap, to an Americano/ Espresso/ Kopi O Kosong person. Cold feet made me change to a June exam and even icier feet, with a hint of desperation, led me to postpone to finally August. 

So I guess, this is it. 66 days. I finally scored a fking PASS on a mock unscaled. But that’s not enough. I need to be at least 80th percentile to make a cut for the interview round. Of course, doesn’t help that shit happened at home and I got yelled at by a close friend to give up on mcat, find a “proper” job and move out. Not even going to talk about her definition of “proper” because fuck, I’m a healthcare worker and that’s not proper? Then what is? MD level with 15k monthly? But nevermind. I will seek my answers on whether to go ahead on Saturday when I see EC. I hope something finally works out well. Aside from the fact that M contacted me after three years of silence... oh good Lord. My heart simply cannot withstand any more anguish, and my brain is killing itself with all that rationalization and overthinking.