Lord, teach me what I cannot see

 

This strip was released in 2015. 

Says a lot. I realized how I’ve been waiting on crumbs. Heart was flitting between ‘please wish me a happy birthday’ and ‘ok forget it he probably won’t, even if he did it’s perfunctory’. I guess because he didn’t for years and almost as if he “vanished” or took himself out of my life. Only “returning” because of favors. Which is “crumbs” because I can’t believe how I was even the slightest bit delighted he texted even if it was regarding filing of the LLP and ‘ok could you possibly contact the rest please’? No doubt I also felt a tad indignant but I tried to be the bigger person :( don’t be “petty”. Be “generous”. “This is who he is” and “utility meter not full yet”. So when he started texting after years of silence, even if it was seriously crumbs, that small hole of communication felt like light to me. Bel, you deserve more than this. You might not think you deserve a lot? Or that you’re even allowed to ask for much? BUT YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO IS COMMITTED AND DOES NOT LIE. 

Acceptance is gradual. One year on, I realized how I can love someone with all my heart, wish him well, will go out just to help him, but probably not want to be with him because he isn’t ready and will likely never be. And that’s ok. Doesn’t mean I don’t feel that pang of sadness. Or the same hollowed out feeling in my chest. Or even that gut twisting sensation coupled with ice cubes traveling down my GI tract. I acknowledge ALL my emotions and (the somewhat) unbearable, trauma triggering sensations, and I am learning that IT IS OK to love someone this much but not have anything to do with them. In fact, better this way than to have any connection and hurt each other in the process. Although my wish is that one day, we will both be ready to sit and navigate the grief we have between us. Because it is too much to be carried in this lifetime, to my grave. And his too. (Unless he would rather.) Also because as a person, he means the world to me. Still. But nevermind that- change takes time and we can’t put a deadline on it. 

He told me that Hope is free.