It’s ok to feel angry

 Facebook reminded me about this post on 05 Mar 2018. I don’t think I actually posted it here, so just documenting it now. 

“So maybe it's just me, but I find packing my room an emotionally draining process. Too many remnants of past friendships, and debris from broken relationships. Them notes that make the heart sink a little. Photographs that don't mean a thing anymore. Long lost promises too painful to remember. And items, ohmygod items. What do I do with them?

Heck, am I the only one who still feel for these things? What am I supposed to do when someone I once trusted lied to me? What am I supposed to feel when the someone who constantly reminded me that I meant a lot treats me in a hurtful and disposable manner?  Am I expected to turn the other (fucking) cheek again because everyone calls me a nice and kind person and no one (for the love of God), nor the person who hurt me, thinks that I even feel anger. 

Well I do. But I swallow it down like a jug full of bitter medicine. Such unspeakable pain, all because I CARE. 

So maybe I should stop caring. Because caring means burning my reserves, my happiness, and myself. Because caring means sacrificing for (sometimes) the wrong person. Because caring means giving away a part of myself, effort and TIME that I'm never getting back. 

And PLEASE don't tell me to be myself again. Things happened and changed, and I don't think I will ever be able to face or see things in the same light again. Because I learnt that if you're always nice and kind, people would throw you under the bus without a doubt for their OWN happiness. "Nice" and "kind" are just polite adjectives people use in replacement of "stupid". 

Someone once told me to turn my sadness into anger. "You'll feel less sad that way". I, on the other hand, often turn my anger into sadness, because I would rather be unhappy than to have someone else unhappy. I was willing to internalize that for the ones I care about. 

But right now, I am angry. And I will allow myself to feel the anger, instead of burying it just so you feel any less guilty. I am allowed to feel angry and aggrieved. I am NOT a dumb, lifeless ragdoll void of feelings. 

I have feelings. And I am hurting.”