Final Attempt

So MCAT (7th try) was yesterday. Finally done with MCAT for this lifetime, but hopefully not done with the content because I want to study the same things but in depth at Duke-NUS. Surprisingly, I don’t feel like a heavyweight has been lifted. It somehow didn’t feel that heavy this time round? No, the pressure was immense and not any less. Perhaps what I’m feeling is a stronger sense of peace this time…? Nonetheless still overwhelmed with emotions, just not so negative ones. That’s a good start I suppose/ hope. 

Life has a funny way of showing things. Been reflecting so much the last couple of nights and during my daily commute to the library. Also been crying a lot. Not the sad type of explosive weeping that I used to have. Instead, it felt more like I was discharging all my feelings because they had no where to go and I had no one to speak to about. The only people who knew I was retaking was mom and the Saturday folks. And of course I didn’t feel thaat comfortable speaking to them much about it…? So it was just me lamenting to myself haha. The tears were that of realization and reflection. 

But first, describing the exam so I have a record when/if I do forget the smaller details of this experience. Got up but was listening to 10,000 Reasons until I felt at peace enough to get out of bed. Went to the exam venue and I wasn’t the first few this time! Haha I took my time and just strolled there. Thankful for the sense of calm because C/P felt like a killer. (Then again, since when did it not.) I was stuck on a couple of calculations (micro, macro, and kilo) and that left me with about half an hour to cover almost 40 questions. That left me with less than a minute per question and I hadn’t read the passage!!! A part of me felt like throwing in the towel and just anyhow picking answers. But another voice in my head sternly reminded me that “we don’t do that anymore”. So I trudged on and although didn’t manage to properly complete and spend more time on calculations, did manage to finish the paper! Thank you God! Break was 10 mins and GUESS WHAT, I was trying to wash away my panic thoughts I accidentally took 2 extra mins. Those who have taken the MCAT would know how precious even 2 mins is for CARS. Nevertheless, glad for being able to sit and calm my mind because it did help me attempt CARS with a slightly better state of mind. Managed to finish CARS too! Last passage was rushy though. But nevermind. Took about 25/30 mins lunch break and stoned a bit before B/B. —- oh yes forgot to add in my hurry and anxiety I walked into the gents at first break hahahahaha. Almost walked into the cubicle without realizing, saw the urinals just in time lol. So anyway, B/B was less electrophoresis gels this time (as compared to 13082021) but more graphs. I was half swearing under my breath. The passages started getting really dry because it was less bio and more biochem. Save me. Was becoming fidgety and half not paying attention. Plus, there was a coughing person who coughed with a rhythm and tone. That was annoying my sensory so much. But okay B/B was done and dusted. Nothing much to comment. 10 mins break that I didn’t overrun this time! Last was P/S and I was even more fidgety, irritated, and started sighing loudly. My attention span got short and it was becoming of a struggle to concentrate. Plus the rhythmic cough! Half worried it was Omicron too! The options were 50/50 and even though I knew what the passages and questions were describing and asking the answers that I had in my head didn’t fit the options. :( When the timer hit 0:00 I realized I was one of the last few. Did everyone else breeze through cos it was easier for them? Oh man :( but in any case, I FINISHED MCAT. AND I FINISHED IT WITH AN UNEXPECTED PEACE. It might be temporary, but at least I don’t feel like it’s the end of the world… yet. Fingers crossed the results will be FAVORABLE and I will be finally called up for Applicants’ Day. AND THEY WILL ACCEPT ME. Please accept me.