I hope I get better soon

 It’s been years since I actively wrote down my thoughts. I think, partly because I wanted to run away from them. Typing it out and turning them to words that would be kept as a memory scares me. It was also emotionally exhausting each time to have a word vomit session. So I guess since mid 2013 or perhaps even later (I honestly cannot remember), I stopped pouring my feelings out. Instead of started bottling them in hope that I would have sufficient bandwidth for the next day and the next. I guess each fight with M (which was nearly daily, counting the times when I stopped fighting back and just stood there allowing him to do or say whatever he wanted to) sucked so much energy from my body that I started feeling physically tired. And that’s probably an understatement. 

But the point of my post today isn’t about M. It’s how I’ve finally realized that my coping mechanisms are not working as they used to and I am at the brink of a mental collapse. Or probably already past the brink lol. 

I realized how showing myself self care felt like I was betraying the people who brought me pain (parents, M, myself included). I had to always squash myself because I never felt like I ,for a second, deserved good things. Admitting this felt like betrayal too because these people supposedly loved me…? Yet they inflicted the heaviest pain, even if intentionally. Those who would understand, wouldn’t need my explanation. And those who wouldn’t, wouldn’t even after I did. I barely know how to describe this feeling myself. But to sum it up, I felt like I had to force myself to stay unhappy… probably in order to “justify” whatever or however treatment I received. Sounds silly, huh. 

But of course, the lack of care for myself is also because after a whole day’s of dealing with people, I have no bandwidth left for myself. I don’t even have any patience left for myself… I guess that’s also another reason why I treat myself so harshly. 

To be updated.