Sitting with Sadness

My pain receptors are still working. And my brain has been actively reminding me (or in kinder words, prepping me) about when I see M’s gf at my prayer place this week. Not anyone’s fault, but it would have been kinder to leave me some dignity and some place where I can go without reeling from the heartache or be even reminded of it. I brought M there before he needed some sort of help. It’s provided him so much to move on and get better… I was absent from the place for so long to give him that space to seek help… but that was my safe space too… and now… it’s gonna get hijacked… my heart hurts to the point where it’s beginning to manifest into physical symptoms. 

Can you hurt me anymore? I thought you wouldn’t be able to after I left. I guess I was wrong hahah. When will all this stop? Sometimes I think I will be better off dead.