我是特工队

So it finally dawned on me why I really really really love TVB police shows. Not cos it’s oh police shows, so exciting with plot twists and action packed. Rather, because majority of TVB police shows involve some sort of special operation/ operatives. That is what I connect with. 

The hardship of training, the discipline and confidence, and most of all the fact that they go through suffering and pain, alone. They can endure whatever curveballs they get thrown and whatever situations they are put in. They turn a deaf ear to opinions and even horrid comments by people who see the situation from a one sided, surfacial level. They don’t give a shit what others think of them, and only have their mission in mind. That is the sort of confidence and self assurance I don’t have, and wish to build. I guess this probably stemmed from my childhood trauma and me having to protect myself. I always feel like it’s “die already” and the strongest urge to go into survival mode. I don’t ever trust anyone else around me and I push people away…

The past two days (or more because I’ve lost track of time) has been tough. In the past I used to remind myself that for MCAT and medical school, I would put up with anything. Now that MCAT is over (and results to be released tonight!!!), I have been feeling a tad “lost” because I have nothing to clench my fists around. So I guess maybe my next coping mechanism will be to remind myself that I want to be like a special operative. EC told me 我不会看错人。I hope he is right.