midnight burner

it has been awfully long since i last stayed up to finish work. partly because there hasn't been anything worth losing sleep over, and i guess mainly because i have been so knocked out with all the meds that i'm just not functioning at my usual anymore. it has been a loong time since i felt "awake" and "aware" of my own presence. these days, i have been living and surviving on autopilot; which my therapist recently praised was very high functioning. laughs. i think it was a week ago in therapy when i was "lucid" enough to tell her that i'm actually not processing whatever she's saying because i have somehow reached my maximum focus for that <1h and i'm kinda zoning out but still "aware" enough of what is happening to my mind that i can confess this and apologize. she laughed at said something along the lines of how my autopilot mode was high functioning and also extremely polite. i still remember bits of that scene and it look me about a week to process the new extent of how tremendously normal i miraculously push myself to be. it was... effortless and yet also effortful.

funny how i managed to type so much out in barely ten minutes (nine in fact), and yet it's taken me a whole week to squeeze out a first cut of my paper. :( dear brain, please function a little better. i've cut my anti-convulsants to 25mg in my attempts to rid the brain fog. hopefully it will be a successful attempt to completely stop the medication by this week. i'm not sure how this will turn out, but i can only try. for all we know, it's also just placebo, right? maybe a TCA 25mg was sufficient, without having to add another. God help me :(