Sensory Overload

The sleep deprivation and suffocating workload is causing too much turbulence. I feel like a leaky tap, one drip away from exploding. Every small thing feels overwhelming. Having to coordinate le best friend’s wedding, my increasing patient load, all that shit data analysis that wasn’t really my job to begin with, my studying for mcat, caring for the two meows (I feel like I’m not spending enough playtime with them and the guilt eats me), my neverending weight gain no matter how I cut my carbs and increase the frequency and intensity of my exercises, the pressure of weening off my meds because of the weight gain, and then there’s the financial part, going for my bi-yearly checks in case *touchwood* cancer strikes me (because I have two growths that need to be removed but it’s not urgent... yet) among other things.

So I’ve been meeting my deadlines and target at work, performing really well but super under appreciated and underpaid (!!), the studying has been at snail’s pace but I swear I’m trying my bestest without losing my sanity, the meows bully me and I get all sorts of injuries, I’ve lost weight but not back to my pre-medication size yet (honestly don’t know how V puts up with hers), challenging myself (mentally and physically) with more intense workouts, forcing myself to ween off meds and skipping my checkup because money is a real issue, don’t even wanna think about the cost of the surgery...

Felt a panic attack rushing in when I realized that my spot for spin class today was right smack in the middle of the front row. Right in front of the stage too. Oh good Lord. Almost wanted to walk out halfway and almost cried because ohmytian, how can I survive. The pressure of performing or just keeping to the rhythm and not making a fool out of myself was too much to bear. But, I still survived. As usual. I always do, right? Not sure how long I can sustain this but hoping I’ll make it till Jan’s mcat and just friggin’ get accepted into grad med sch already. Please. Waited long enough and made more than enough sacrifices for this. Devouring my sanity and eating at my happiness. After today I half regretted my decision to ween off because it’s sucha bad timing to do this, right. But anyway, am nearly there so... although the Dr’s not gonna approve nor be happy about this self-made decision because hey, stop acting like the doctor here lol. He knows better. But I know my body best. So with gritted teeth and clenched fists, I will try to keep moving along without losing my mind or being a sobbing mess.