memories bring back

Saw M at the wedding. Words couldn’t describe how my heart stopped for a millisecond when he walked towards the glass door. Every cell in my body felt his presence and recognized it in an instance. My heart started pounding really hard after that. I thought I had prepared myself well enough for this. But apparently not. Bestie had asked me if I was ok with her inviting him to the wedding and if I was ok with being seated at the same table. I said yes. It was her wedding after all and second, I didn’t want him to feel isolated from his old friends. Still think I did the right thing. But of course, doesn’t mean I’m not hurting. 

He was really cold in the beginning, but I felt his almost crippling anxiety. I always do, somehow. Maybe it really is a soul-tie. We didn’t talk throughout the whole dinner even though I was seated merely one seat away. I made S sit between us lol. Anyway, the frozen facade soon melted when I asked him about our twins. I could tell he was coming back... slowly... yet I cut him off... it didn’t feel like time was right for us to talk again... I don’t know... I don’t know anymore... I wanted to tell him to take care, that he looked so beaten up, that... but I didn’t. Because it wasn’t time yet. So I held myself back. 

Sadness takes a toil on me. I lost more weight just meeting him, than I did while on my diet and spinning. It was obvious that I hadn’t gotten over him, nor did I forget him. Everything came flooding back that night. 

And then, I started crying at spin today. In all that darkness, it felt safe to let go what I was holding back. I had been fighting back tears since that night. It wasn’t sobbing, just... leaking tears. The freaky part was that J started giving her usual prep talk about being in class. And she said this, ‘ the ones who connect with you, will always come back’. I don’t know if this was a sign of some sort. Or just comfort, or pure coincidence. God forbid that I start pinning for this person that I loved and I let go. But they always said to let go of him and let him find his way back on his own. 

So I will. And I pray to God that he sends me back the person I love. That everything that has been told to me about us, and that gave me the strength to let go, would finally come to pass.