the weight on my shoulders
I posted this seven years ago on FaceBook,
'Most importantly, if you can at all avoid it, don't be normal. Strive, burn and do everything you can to avoid being the industry standard. Even the highest industry standard. Be greater than anything anyone else has ever dreamed of you. Don't settle for pats on the back, salary increases, a nod-and-a-smile. Instead, rage against the tepidness of the mundane with every fiber of whatever makes you, you. Change this place.
Please, do that for me. "
-iwrotethisforyou, The Defiance Of The Different
It's a good reminder because I constantly feel ashamed that I'm different from the rest of my family, or guilty that I didn't turn out to be the child my parents dreamed of having. I keep having to convince myself that what I have been fighting so long and hard for is a worthy goal. I just want to be who I know I'll be happy being. Of course not to the extent of being selfish, but there is nothing wrong with being different, and nothing wrong with the person I want to be. There's nothing wrong with being soft-hearted and wanting to save abandoned animals. Not every stray I meet, but the ones that obviously require some form of human and/ or medical intervention. There's nothing wrong in wanting to believe and see the better side of every person, even the ones who have hurt me or let me down. There is nothing wrong with being sensitive to the people and things around me. There is nothing wrong about having depression, or anxiety, or having to take medication. And there is absolutely nothing wrong in being who I know I was born and meant to be. I try my hardest to be a good person. I try my hardest to always do what is right over what is easy. I try my hardest to not let my decisions be fear-driven. And I think to have come this far in spite of the events that have unfolded, I should not have to feel ashamed or guilty.
Been battling more migraine and panic attacks lately. My parents attribute it to the stress I have been facing at work. But I really think it's a complex combination of work (why am I always the one doing the most and being the most responsible etc etc etc) + mcat (holy shit it's May and I'm not even done with one book will I ever be able to finish studying and more importantly score well enough etc etc) + been going back for therapy and talking about uncomfortable things hence what triggered this whole panic attack thing again which is morphing into panic disorder + the cats (how many am I caring for now ohmygod) + money (always an issue right) + health (literally all that can go wrong is going wrong. I'm paying for my therapy and my medication and my PT for my back and my spectacles for my poor eyesight and my gastric issues and my... enough already?) + parental issues (what's new)
So yes, anyone would succumb under this amount of pressure. Man-made, but still...
'Most importantly, if you can at all avoid it, don't be normal. Strive, burn and do everything you can to avoid being the industry standard. Even the highest industry standard. Be greater than anything anyone else has ever dreamed of you. Don't settle for pats on the back, salary increases, a nod-and-a-smile. Instead, rage against the tepidness of the mundane with every fiber of whatever makes you, you. Change this place.
Please, do that for me. "
-iwrotethisforyou, The Defiance Of The Different
It's a good reminder because I constantly feel ashamed that I'm different from the rest of my family, or guilty that I didn't turn out to be the child my parents dreamed of having. I keep having to convince myself that what I have been fighting so long and hard for is a worthy goal. I just want to be who I know I'll be happy being. Of course not to the extent of being selfish, but there is nothing wrong with being different, and nothing wrong with the person I want to be. There's nothing wrong with being soft-hearted and wanting to save abandoned animals. Not every stray I meet, but the ones that obviously require some form of human and/ or medical intervention. There's nothing wrong in wanting to believe and see the better side of every person, even the ones who have hurt me or let me down. There is nothing wrong with being sensitive to the people and things around me. There is nothing wrong about having depression, or anxiety, or having to take medication. And there is absolutely nothing wrong in being who I know I was born and meant to be. I try my hardest to be a good person. I try my hardest to always do what is right over what is easy. I try my hardest to not let my decisions be fear-driven. And I think to have come this far in spite of the events that have unfolded, I should not have to feel ashamed or guilty.
Been battling more migraine and panic attacks lately. My parents attribute it to the stress I have been facing at work. But I really think it's a complex combination of work (why am I always the one doing the most and being the most responsible etc etc etc) + mcat (holy shit it's May and I'm not even done with one book will I ever be able to finish studying and more importantly score well enough etc etc) + been going back for therapy and talking about uncomfortable things hence what triggered this whole panic attack thing again which is morphing into panic disorder + the cats (how many am I caring for now ohmygod) + money (always an issue right) + health (literally all that can go wrong is going wrong. I'm paying for my therapy and my medication and my PT for my back and my spectacles for my poor eyesight and my gastric issues and my... enough already?) + parental issues (what's new)
So yes, anyone would succumb under this amount of pressure. Man-made, but still...
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