Charlie Mike

Two years ago what I feared the most was leaving a five year relationship and decade long friendship. My partner was my best friend, and we had gone through so much together. 

What I fear right now (not my only fear  because my pets are more important, duh) is the looming mcat test day. 

Eventually I walked out of the relationship. Because we weren't working out. Because I couldn't be with someone I couldn't trust anymore. Because there was a last huge huge lie that broken the camel's back. Because I was exhausted from forgiving. And last but not least, because I hoped that my leaving would be a catalyst for him to pull himself together.

It just wasn't possible nor sustainable for anyone to be living a life the way he did, and it was hardbreaking to watch him. I felt so helpless watching him struggle and drown, while not being able to convince him to plant his feet on the ground because in reality the water level wasn't deep enough to drown in. But we can't show people what they don't want to see. So I took a gamble and I left. If I said that I did it with no hesitation or hurt, I would be lying. However, I don't regret it. It was the right thing to do and neither was I left with other options. 

I have finally learnt to love myself. So I am taking this leap of faith, and I'm going to give mcat one more shot. After all, it's now or never. I can't say that I want it without showing that I really do. So fuck that voice in my head that's constantly whispering how I can't do it. I will, and I will succeed.