Still Growing

 Been reflecting a lot lately on what I reaaaaaally want as what makes me happy. Pondering a lot about my meeting sch decision and whether it was a survival turned toxic obsession, or if it’s really what I want but just kinda tangled with my other co-morbidities. Have you ever heard of anyone doing the MCAT seven times? For seven years? I could laugh at myself for that. As I always, always remind myself: the line between stupidity and determination is very thin. So contrary to what other probably think of me, I do ask myself repeatedly if I really want this, and how much- at what expense. 

Saw profile of the homewrecker… she is moving ahead from education to healthcare. I’m sure her mom’s network/ connections/ business mind played a pretty huge part in her current success. I’m sure a part of M would like to share or be a part of that… but anyways my point of bringing this up is because no doubt I would also love to be successful in the healthcare sector. But… not this way. There’s education, there’s academia, there’s admin, business, and many more. I have always known that I’m not a business person and even if I can be good at that, I will not enjoy it. Being at my current workplace has proved me right once again. Being in the medtech team is exciting and indeed I will learn a lot about HTA and AI if I stay. Sadly, I have realized that success gets to people’s head and my prof seem to have less of a “heart” for his patients and is now more focused on getting his innovation out not for the community but instead because he would like to commercialize things. It hit me when I was all willing to fight with the team in building the devices to be more than just portable and cheaper. It should be user friendly, safe, amongst many other criteria. But my attempts in providing constructive feedback failed when prof shut me down. “It’s not meant to be perfect”, “it’s not the engineer’s fault”, “we just need to get this out ASAP”. I didn’t mean to nitpick, and I never once intended for my comments to be a blame game. All I wanted was to improve the devices before bringing out to the community :( from then I think my inner self shutdown too, because this project held no meaning and I wasn’t going to invest in something I don’t believe in. I know some will tell me it’s just a job, don’t think or worry too much, just get your pay. But that’s not me, not the values I’ve spent my life trying to uphold. It has been made clearer that I prefer and would enjoy interactions in close settings, do my own work well, and fuck off. I don’t like the fight for power or fame of the individual. I only appreciate the struggle if it’s meant for the overall better good. So I guess, there’s nothing to envy or be jealous that at my age I’m not “successful” or “well known in the field” or … seem like I’m moving ahead based on any of the societal’s “normal” checklist. 

Not done with the reflection but it’s almost 2am and I should be going to bed. It’s a work day, and 4.5 more left! Go me!